* The following sartorial piece is from the witty, untamed mind of …
indsorite Eugene Hiddles has launched a one man demonstration against media conglomerate Cineplex Odeon Wednesday, demanding that the company present films more appealing to the hipster demographic.
“It’s really hard when you’re trying to take your girlfriend out to the latest Wes Anderson film and you have to go see The Avengers instead,” he said. “The kids that go to those movies talk all through it and text– on Blackberrys instead of iPhones!”
Hiddles chained himself to a post just outside the mall entrance, making himself a bit of a sideshow attraction for local shoppers. His protest has gone on for a personal record of four hours— “Three hours longer than the time I protested Urban Outfitters for not having a t-shirt celebrating trans-werewolves pride day.” However, he is buoyed by the support of his girlfriend Jem, a barrista and tattoo artist in training, and the staff of the mall’s Teaopia, who have been supplying Hiddles with fair-trade loose leaf chai vanilla blend during his demonstration.
Local visitors to Cineplex Devonshire were mostly confused by Hiddles protest. “Who is Terrence Malick?” asked Dave McKean, 42. “Is he protesting how much soda costs? Cause I agree with him. Cheaper soda!” cried 89-year-old Marvin Lupin.
“We kind of liked Battleship,” said Rudy Owens, 16. Owens attended a screening with his friend’s Joe and Ruby, who the Lance can exclusively confirm are now dating. After speaking with our reporter, Owens beat up Hiddles and stole his horn rimmed glasses.
When contacted for comment, Cineplex Odeon spokesperson mumbled something about box office returns and hung up the phone.
Despite being robbed numerous times, Hiddles remains undaunted. “I won’t rest until Zooey Deschanel is available on local screens.” He promised to remained chained in front of the Cineplex until his demands are met, or until a thunderstorm comes.